Transformers: Age Of Extinction – You Don’t Want To Make Marky Mark Mad – Review

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Courtesy Universal

Transformers: Age Of Extinction will remind you of every reason why you love and hate Michael Bay.

Mark “Don’t Call Me Marky Mark” Wahlberg stars as Cade – the only Texan in the world who sounds like he was born and raised in South Boston.  He is a failing inventor with big dreams and a teenage daughter, Tessa (Nicola Peltz), who looks amazingly fetching in short shorts and mini-skirts.  One day, Daddy is salvaging some relics from a rundown movie theater when he finds an old, beaten up semi-truck that isn’t like all of the other semis.

Before you know it, some CIA dudes show up looking to take control of that semi because, yep, it’s Optimus Prime (voice by Peter Cullen)!!!!!  CIA black ops leader Harold Attinger (Kelsey Grammer) is dedicated to wiping out the Autobots after the events of the last Transformers movie, and he has forged an unholy alliance with another Decepticon, Lockdown (voice by Mark Ryan), who wants to destroy Optimus Prime.

Can Cade and Tessa save the Autobots?

Why is Attinger so dedicated to the cause?

What does Lockdown want with Optimus Prime?

Does any of this really matter?

None of it every really matters!  Transformers: Age Of Extinction is everything you expected this movie to be.

Director Michael Bay knows how to blow stuff up, fill the movie with lots of eye candy, and make the Transformers look very very cool in the process.  Then, he works with a script from Ehren Kruger full of some of the worst dialogue you will ever hear in a movie.  Thankfully, Transformers: Age Of Extinction can be seen in 3D, so those glasses will hold your eyeballs in place as you roll them at each bad pun, stupid attempt at humor and the most unnecessary love story of the year.  It’s embarrassingly simple dialogue.  Worst of all, just when you think they have dispatched with a horrible comic relief character, Kruger writes in another one!  You can’t escape this script if you wanted to.

Plus, Bay is going to beat you into submission.  We have chase after chase and fight after fight.  Sure, it’s all derivative, even if some of the scenes are kind of cool.  Every time you think, “Here we go again?”, Bay then tosses in some neat piece of filmmaking or special effect.  You will be shocked at an amazingly frightening cable walk, and you have to admire the new Transformers and the new way some of them actually transform.

Bay might drive you crazy with some of Transformers: Age Of Extinction, but he always seems to bring you back from the edge at just the right time, even if the movie just keeps going and going and going.

2waffles_sml2 Waffles (Out of 4)

Transformers: Age Of Extinction is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi violence and action, language and brief innuendo. 

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